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“When I Am a Businessman, I Will Kill a Good Pig”

November 18, 2009

Yes, by popular demand (of Yanik and his various pseudonyms) I did an ad-libs lesson for my Korean students.

We did ad-libs for ‘when’ clauses. You know, “When X did Y, X W‘ed Z” and so on. There were three models for this ad-lib, and the students were to pick the words as a group then fit them to the model, and finally present the completed sentence to the class. But before they made their sentences as a group, I had the whole class practice by giving me words for the different categories before I showed them the model.

For example,

A: Something you want to be (i.e. rich, the President…)

B: Future tense verb

C: Adjective

D: Noun

Then, voila, I show them the model: When I am A, I B with a C D

So one of my classes picked these words for the example sentence:

A: Spiderman

B: will sleep

C: beautiful

D: Superman

“When I am Spiderman, I will sleep with a beautiful Superman”


I somehow remained poker-faced faced after reading this aloud to the class and — I hope — kept the students who didn’t know the connotation of ‘to sleep with’ from experiencing a tragic loss of innocence right then and there. I could already see my students, advanced by some several years, lying on a therapist’s couch and beginning, “Well, it all began when I discovered Superman’s real hidden life.”

Here are some other highlights from middle school ad-libs:

“When I am a policeman, I will kill a pretty boy” (About half of the ad-libs involved the words ‘kill’ or ‘die.’ I wasn’t sure the proper way to discourage this, especially because it would have deprived me of some of the best ad-libs)

“When Jesse is happy, Jesse goes to the bathroom” (True, actually, although usually the other way around)

“When Hee Song was in park, Hee Song played and died”

“When I am a Superman, I will dance with a crazy dog”

“When Jesse was in the bank, he stole and ate all his money” (They liked using me. I also didn’t know a proper way to discourage this)

“When Jesse was on the moon, he killed himself and died” (This one was a hard one to react to)

“When Victory was at home, Victory took a shower and died” (I don’t know who Victory is. My Korean co-teacher laughed out loud at this one, though. The Korean teachers, in fact, got the greatest kicks out of the most violent and profane ad-libs, which, at least, gave me license to continue harvesting them for comedy purposes)

“When Helen is happy, Helen goes into a pencil case” (See, they just aren’t as good without ‘die’ or ‘kill’)

“When I am a businessman, I will kill a good pig” (Now THAT’S ambition)

“When he was at the nightclub, he drank and fell down.” (There’s nothing I could’ve said to this one. It’s Korea. The kids probably drink more than I do)

And, my personal favorite: “When Lady Gaga is happy, she sleeps with President Obama” (JFK, eat your heart out!)

  1. Yanni Gogolak permalink
    November 28, 2009 5:49 pm

    I’d pay to see the last one. Good work.


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